


Breathe

by beautifulllyinpain



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, M/M, Minor Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Overthinking, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sad Yoo Kihyun, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Student Yoo Kihyun, Teacher Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, tags will be added along the way :)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29335074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifulllyinpain/pseuds/beautifulllyinpain
Summary: Breathe...Kihyun tells himself to take a deep breath, and just... breathe.
Relationships: Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 37
Kudos: 64





	1. 𝓑𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓮

It's quiet. And _lonely_. And perhaps this is one of those moments that Kihyun didn't mind being lonely.

The jab in his heart continues and he winches slightly from how particularly painful this one jab is. But he didn't mind. He isn't sure if he'll forever live with a heart that always beats so heavily but he likes to think that it is not forever. These painful jabs will always be there, for now.

He leans his frail body against the railing at the university's rooftop where he always hides away when things get too much. He presses his body as far as he possibly can, maybe even leaning over a little bit more against the edge to get any sense of serenity.

Kihyun can't remember the last time he had a sense of sheer serenity. He missed that. He missed the days of his life where he had little to worry about. Most of all, he missed those days where he felt genuinely _happy_.

He takes another huge breath in, letting the cool air pass through before he slowly exhales out, feeling the jab in his heart lighten a little more.

 _It's going to be okay_ , Kihyun tells himself.

"Why do you _always_ like to stand at the edge of the railing?" Kihyun hears a rather unfamiliar voice a few feet away from him. The voice drips concern and a tint of fear is evident in it as well.

This is new.

No one had ever bothered him before whenever he makes his way up here. Sure, people do see him come up here but he didn't exactly have _close friends_ in this university who cared enough to ask, wanting to mind their own businesses really.

Kihyun turns his head to the side and sees a male he isn't quite familiar with. He seems much older, maybe a lecturer? But he isn't wearing any sort of tag to indicate so. Perhaps he has seen him around the hallways before one or two times but Kihyun can't be sure if he's being honest.

Kihyun didn't bother to ask the stranger if he had been watching him for a while from the way the male had phrased his question. Kihyun didn't really care. Instead, Kihyun turns back to the vast expanse in front of him and lets out another heavy sigh, feeling the jab in his heart subsiding more.

"Sometimes I feel like I can breathe better here," Kihyun says. 


	2. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓭𝓰𝓮

"Maybe you shouldn't stand so close to the edge," the same voice appears a few days later. Kihyun mindlessly turns to look at the male, barely giving him a glance before turning back.

"I know how to take care of myself, thank you very much," Kihyun dismisses, hoping he will get the message that Kihyun didn't want to be bothered. He just wanted his lonely moment to tame his aching heart.

"It's still dangerous," the male persists softly.

Kihyun lets out a sigh induced with clear annoyance.

"I'm sorry but did someone ask you to come get me?" Kihyun asks, can't help but be terse.

"I've seen you come up here alone for a while now."

Kihyun should be fazed that someone actually paid attention — or more so the fact that someone, whom he barely knows and is barely even close to being acquaintances with, actually cares.

No stranger cared before, so why is this stranger caring now?

Don't get Kihyun wrong, maybe he is being unnecessarily rude and maybe there isn't much reason to be snappy at a stranger who wants to know whether Kihyun is doing okay. But the simple fact is if Kihyun can admit to his close friends that he isn't doing okay and feels a hundred times shitty after that, what makes him think that telling the stranger the same thing would feel any different?

"Are you worried?" Kihyun asks, sounding comically rhetorical because he doesn't actually care if the guy is worried or not. He didn't want pity or reassurance or company. He's had so many of those empty promises thrown at him that now they just seem like mere meaningless words clinging in the air around him that it is getting annoying.

He just wants to be alone, especially now.

The male hesitates. Kihyun already knows the possible things running through the other's mind because Kihyun's actions are so crystal, or so it seems.

"I just—I think you should be careful, that's all." Kihyun could scoff because of course, the male wouldn't say it right to his face, scared of triggering him and whatnot.

Kihyun holds tight onto the railing and leans forward a little more, taking in another breather and exhaling it out slowly, feeling the jab in his heart subsiding as always, for now. He then recklessly take his grip off the railing before swinging his body away from the edge. Kihyun can see the momentary panic in the other's eyes.

"Don't worry, I'm not suicidal," Kihyun says. "At least I don't think I am."


	3. 𝓢𝓲𝓷𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰

Kihyun curls his body, settling into a fetal position in his bed. The aircon is turned on full blast and he shivers under the cover of the comforter.

His trembling eyes fleet back once more to his desk where he had, once again, abandoned the work he is supposed to do. He feels the weight laying down heavily in his chest. He knows he needs to get this assignment done. He had already procrastinated for weeks, finally having the energy to even open up the folder to read through what he has to do.

He has five days _left_ to complete the assignment before it is due. And Kihyun hates how it took him _this_ long, how he had let himself drown so far to finally resurface momentarily to force himself to do this assignment now. He knew that the majority of the class started weeks ago, probably some even as soon as the assignment folder was given.

Kihyun had intended to do that as well. He told himself to take baby steps: maybe the first day he will read through the assignment brief and choose a topic then the second day he can start collecting pieces of information and slowly build his assignment from there.

None of that happened.

And Kihyun hates himself even more for this.

It's not that he is lazy. Yet he knew if he were to tell anyone, on a surface level people would indeed call him lazy. They've called him that before and Kihyun would've owned up to it if it were actually true. But Kihyun knew what being lazy was and this wasn't it.

Kihyun isn't lazy.

He can't seem to find the energy, both physically and mentally, to start this assignment. To say the least, just thinking about the assignment overwhelms him. He knows, Kihyun fucking knows that he needs to start soon if he wants to submit it before it is due but he can't and it frustrates him because he doesn't know why he is like this in the first place.

Then he hears the ping on his phone, a notification which is likely from the one person he had the same class as—whom he assumes is as close to a friend he will ever get in this university. Kihyun doesn't know what the message is but he is almost certain that it has something to do about class or even the _assignment_.

Kihyun wishes it was the latter.

His heart sinks when he sees his friend asking about the formatting of the reference list, which could mean that his friend is almost done while Kihyun barely started.

Kihyun knew he shouldn't ask about his friend's progress. He knows it'll only make himself even worse than he does now.

But he goes against the battles in his head and asks anyways after answering his friend's questions.

 _'Are you done with the assignment?'_ Kihyun sends, hands sweating and slightly shaking.

He gets an answer after a few minutes. _'Almost. I'm just left with the reference list then I'll submit'_.

With labored breath and trembling hands he quickly sends a response and sits up in his bed, staring at particularly nothing for a long time. His gaze then shifts to the laptop on his desk, takes in a few breathers, and forces himself out of bed to start his assignment, finally.

╒══════════════════╕

11 February 2021

_11.53 pm_

**_It's funny how easy it is that I tell others to get their shit together but when comes to me it just doesn't work._ **

**_Or maybe I can't because I don't believe in myself the same way I believe in others when I tell them this. Maybe I can't because I keep telling myself I'm worth nothing and that me trying will only ever result in failure. And I keep telling myself that I will always be a failure, so why bother trying in the first place?_ **

**_Even if I did try, will it matter in the end? Who's going to be happy about my achievements?_ **

**_Certainly not me. I will always view myself as someone that always lacks and no matter how hard I try I will always remain a failure and maybe it's because I'm so tired of trying only to ever be let down in the end..._ **

**_Why is it that everything I do will never be enough?_ **

****

╘══════════════════╛


	4. 𝓣𝓾𝓻𝓶𝓸𝓲𝓵

Kihyun chose to come early to university this day, not because he had early class (if anything his class only started late that afternoon), but because he didn’t like the idea of coming late. It’s not he like he had some sort of principle about punctuality.

It has everything to do about his anxiety.

He didn’t like the attention. He didn’t the fact that people’s eyes just (somehow) automatically cast straight to the door that opens and Kihyun would sure be damned if he walks into the room with eyes staring right at him regardless if they cared about his existence or not.

He is meticulous, not in other aspects of his life, but trivial, small things like playing out every possible scenario than making sure he properly follows the guidelines in his head, he is meticulous in that sense.

Coming early to avoid eyes on him then led to another chain, making sure he doesn’t wander around this new university like some lonesome idiot. And to purposely avoid that he comes extra early (when really it isn’t necessary) just to make sure he gets a seat at the single table at the Student Lounge so he can, _attempt_ , to study.

The first hour was rather awkward for Kihyun, even when he is all by himself which Kihyun sometimes fails to understand about himself. At times he gets frustrated with himself because even when he is on his own he can’t seem to find the solace he is looking for.

Kihyun is sure to put his earphones on and play the music on a decent volume and yet that still isn’t much of a distraction since his eyes (somehow) always manages to fleet from the work that he was doing to his surrounding. He watches how people around him knew one another and watches as they all fondly interact and somewhere deep inside him he wishes that he had company like that now.

That’s when Kihyun increases the volume to the music until it is literally booming in his ears and the voices and noises around him are all canceled. That’s when he could somewhat concentrate on his work.

Everything was going well for the first hour or so. The music was booming and he thinks he has gotten done a decent amount of work considering the rut he had fallen into. When Kihyun stops to see how much time he has left he smiles at himself a little, proud of the amount of work he had managed to do.

Kihyun takes a sip of water before stretching his arms slightly. His eyes wander back around the Student Lounge and this time is it a little bit emptier, only a few tables occupied. He lets out a heavy sigh before turning back to the front only to jump in his seat when he notices someone else in front of his table.

Kihyun rips the earphones out of his ear and clenches his heart that’s ramming against his chest. Kihyun’s shocked demeanor completely changes into a frown when he realizes that it’s the older male, the stranger that comes to him at the rooftop. This is Kihyun’s first time honestly seeing the male around campus.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” the male says with a mild chuckle. “It’s just, I saw you and thought I would say ‘hi’.” Kihyun doesn’t say anything, more like he can’t. He’s still trying to calm his heart and his mind is scrambling trying to find something proper to say so he wouldn’t make a fool out of himself.

“I’m Shownu, majoring in Business,” the older male introduces, extending his hand.

It takes Kihyun a while but somehow he manages to draw his hand away from his heart and down to the other male’s hand, giving it a brief shake before reluctantly pulling away.

“I’m—uhm—I’m Kihyun,” he introduces back. “Majoring in Psychology.”

The other male—Shownu, nods before taking a seat at the empty chair right in front of Kihyun. Kihyun watches him with a slightly raised brow, confused as to why Shownu, a complete stranger, suddenly joins him at the table.

Kihyun looks around the Student Lounge and frowns, realising that there are a few empty tables for him to sit at, yet he chooses to sit at Kihyun’s table.

“Uhm…” Kihyun starts, rather awkwardly. “Do you—uhm—Do you need something?”

“I don’t need anything really,” Shownu tells him and this makes Kihyun even more confused.

“Then why are you…”

“Are you going to go to the rooftop later?” Shownu asks out of nowhere. This question completely takes Kihyun aback. He feels his heart sinking inevitably before it squeezes painfully.

“Wh—What?” Kihyun clasps both his sweaty hands together under the table to stop it from shaking so badly. He can feel the anxiety slowly rising from within his heart and it is pinching painfully the walls.

“Are planning to go up to the rooftop later?”

“Is that why you approached me?” Kihyun unintentionally snaps. Shownu stares at him, not particularly giving away anything that he is feeling at the moment. He stays quiet as he observes the other’s _outburst_ , he will call it that.

“I told you I’m _not_ suicidal. So, please don’t pretend to care just because you think I’m going to do something.” This particular statement makes Shownu frown, just a little.

Kihyun knows that (maybe) he should be grateful someone actually cares enough to ask, but he isn’t. Kihuyn isn’t the slightest bit grateful that someone is asking or let alone knows that he’s going up to the rooftop and standing so close to the edge of the railing.

If anything it only heightens his anxiety because someone _does_ know. He feels exposed, stripped bare. It was one thing that a stranger knew but it was another when they inquire about it because that only means they want to know which subsequently means that Kihyun would have to open up—or at least they want him to open up.

This brings back to that one time he opened himself to a high school counselor, not really expecting much as a result. Back then Kihyun had heard of how school counselors can help when you needed help. Kihyun didn't necessarily want help but with the talks around the school about how the school counselors really do help, Kihyun was hoping that a weight will be lifted off his shoulders if he, too, goes to see them. He didn’t need help, Kihyun had that adamantly burned into his mind, but he did want to make sense of this tsunami of emotions he was feeling.

But in the end, after their first session, the counselor had come into the room with his _Mental Health Screening_ results and a pamphlet—the pamphlet is what confused Kihyun because he sees _SNU Hospital (Seoul National University Hospital)_ right in front of it. That is when the counselor had told him that he was worried about him and passed him the pamphlet and Kihyun instantly feels his head accelerating as he continues to hear the counselor speak.

He remembers his words, telling him how worried he was that Kihyun’s anxiety level is extremely high—worryingly high— and that he might be showing signs of depression. What made it all worse was when the counselor said that they might have to tell his parents if this proceeds and that was the one thing Kihyun didn’t want.

His parents didn’t know that he had made an appointment to see the school counselor and he doesn’t ever plan on telling them about it, especially not his _Mental Health Screening_ results.

Anxiety? _Possible_ Depression? He knew his parents wouldn’t look at him the same once they know of this. What more if his parents were to tell his cousins, his uncles, and aunts? Then they will not look at him the same.

He knew that they are aware of mental disorders but he also knows the things they say about people who have mental disorders. He didn’t want them to know that Kihyun _is_ one of those people they talk about.

Kihyun never made a second appointment and he has never thought about going to see another counselor about whatever turmoil he has within himself again, not after that one traumatizing scare.

It is different if Kihyun were to tell his friends about this because they knew not to approach his parents about this (not unless it is beyond serious but KIhyun never gave them a reason for suspicion). But having strangers, like school counselors, or even this Shownu guy, talk about his silent mental turmoils only spikes his existing anxiety. He didn’t need strangers ratting out to his parents that he might need professional help. Just the mere thought of it is enough to induce a panic attack.

Kihyun didn’t want to stay around to hear what the other has more to say. Instead, he quickly packs his things, trembling hands start shoving his book and files into his bag hastily.

“Kihyun-ah—” the other tries to call him.

“I have to get to lecture,” is what Kihyun lies before he walks out the Student Lounge as fast as he can with his head down and fist clutched tightly onto the straps of his bag, never once turning back to see if the Shownu guy is even following. 


	5. 𝓓𝓲𝓼𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓸𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮

╒══════════════════╕

15 February 2021

_10:04 am_

**_Today might be the first time in a while that I woke up to my parents screaming at each other._ **

**_I don’t know why but suddenly my mind went back to this vivid memory when I was eight or maybe nine? It was my mom asking my dad for a divorce. And I so clearly remember her grabbing my wrist and asking both me and my brother who we wanted to go with._ **

**_I remember my brother crying because he didn’t understand what was going on but I was no better, my little self was confused as well; why would my mom ask us to choose? She seemed almost threatening even._ **

**_My hands are shaking. My heart is beating too fast._ **

**_They’re screaming at each other again. Why now? Everything was going okay..._ **

**_Fuck this is bad._ **

_10:16 am_

**_I think my brother is still asleep because if he were awake, he would be texting me about the screaming. But I’m glad he isn’t awake to hear all this._ **

**_I hear the front door open. I think my dad took the keys and left._ **

_10:30 am_

**_It’s hard to breathe._ **

╘══════════════════╛

When he hears his mother yelling he knew it could ever only be directed to his father, he flinches hard. His breathing slowly becoming labored as he prays for them to stop fighting, again.

Kihyun knows that it is normal for married couples to fight and it should be something he is used to considering his parents had been arguing quite a bit for the past months but for some reason, his anxiety over his parents’ fighting only seems to get worse as it progresses. They never got violent with each other (or with both Kihyun and his brother, thankfully) but they showed their aggressions through their actions by slamming doors or other things.

And sometimes, they tend to show this aggression of their to Kihyun, their eldest child.

Kihyun doesn’t know where this anxiety comes from but it's always there when he hears his parents fighting. But it always just seems to be there. At the back of his mind, he also feels horrible, thinking that he is somehow the cause for their fights and he feels useless because he can’t do anything to prevent these fights as the oldest child of the family.

**_‘did they fight again?’_** Kihyun’s younger brother finally texts him after the silence resonating throughout the house.

**_‘yea.’_ **

**_‘what is it about this time?’_ **

**_‘idk bro’_** Kihyun replies because he himself is genuinely confused. His parents were on completely good terms the night before, that was how he was able to ask them permission to leave the house today to meet with his high school friend.

 ** _‘i don’t want to go downstairs. it’s going to be so awkward.’_** His brother sends after a while.

**_‘how are you going to eat lunch then?’_ **

**_‘idk. i’ll figure it out later. you’re so lucky that you’re going out. you don’t have to deal with this shit.’_ **

Kihyun didn’t reply to that because he didn’t know how to.

Kihyun was genuinely so excited to finally go out somewhere with his friend. But after what his little brother said that he feels guilty at the fact that he has the few hours to get away from this mess of a household while his little brother couldn’t. It isn’t like Kihyun did all this purposely but somehow he felt accused by his brother’s words.

He couldn’t understand why he felt like a horrible person for going out now…

Once Kihyun got ready, he looks at the time and sighs. Wonho should be here in a while so waiting downstairs is better since he won’t be keeping his friend waiting for too long.

The whole house was silent. And as Kihyun had predicted, his father had left somewhere since his car isn’t parked outside the porch. Kihyun instantly knew that his mother is in the kitchen from the way he hears the plates being slammed. This spikes his anxiety again. He didn’t like the sound of aggression—anything that would imply any sort of aggression instantly sends him into a panic.

Sadly nobody knew this and Kihyun never disclosed it to anyone as well as he silently takes in the torturous sound with his heart painfully jabbing against his chest.

“Aren’t you going to eat lunch?” his mother asks, not necessarily in the nicest tone. He sees her standing by the kitchen door, glaring right at Kihyun. He feels even smaller in his mother’s angry gaze.

“I—I told you yesterday that I w—will be having lunch with Wonho…” Kihyun reminds her softly, frowning a little at this because he indeed told his mother several times that he won’t be eating lunch at home today.

It seems like something snapped in his mother once Kihyun said that because her glare only sharpened and her brows knit together tightly.

“So, you’re not going to eat lunch?” she asks, almost snarkily.

“No…” Kihyun answers timidly. She stalks into the kitchen, saying nothing else to Kihyun. Kihyun instantly knew his mother is mad at him, for reasons he didn’t understand, from the way she starts slamming the cabinet doors whenever she opens to take something or at how (unnecessarily) heavy she places the plates down on the table.

Kihyun mentally prays and frequently checks his phone to see if Wonho had messaged him to come out.

 ** _‘can you stay out for dinner as well?’_** Wonho sends a message not too long after.

**_‘i can try and ask.’_ **

Just the thought of asking his mother this is sending another wave of panic but he tells himself to keep it together. It’s just his mother and it’s Wonho he’s going out with, his mother adores Wonho, so it should be okay.

“Mom, I might n—not be back for dinner,” Kihyun calls out. But he didn’t get a response and he figured that his mother might not have heard him because usually, his mother isn’t one to give silent treatments even if she is mad at his father.

“Mom— I m—might not be back for dinner,” Kihyun repeats, standing right in front of her as she prepares the table for lunch. And yet again she doesn’t reply and Kihyun gets a heart-clenching confirmation that his mother is giving him the silent treatment, something he knew he didn’t deserve yet is receiving.

Kihyun didn’t bother trying again because he knows it’ll be useless so he goes back to the living room to wait.

**_‘i think they’re cool with it.’_ **

Kihyun replies even though he didn’t exactly get their approval. He is already going out anyways, and he knows that both his parents will be giving him the silent treatment for a while after this, so there was no point trying to please them today (or the coming days).

**_‘nice! i’ll be there in 15.’_ **

Just then he sees his mother exiting the kitchen and head upstairs. What he didn’t expect is his mother knocking on his brother’s room door and is asking him to come to eat lunch, and that too not in the tone she had used at Kihyun. This confused Kihyun even more. And his heart clenches a little more at this unfair treatment.

Kihyun is just as confused as his younger brother. They both weren’t there to witness the fight between their parents and yet Kihyun is getting the silent treatment as though he committed a huge sin of some sort.

When Wonho finally arrives, Kihyun bids to both his brother and mother goodbye. His brother mumbles something along the lines of ‘bye’ while his mother didn’t give a single glance his way.

Hurt, Kihyun couldn’t do much about it but just walk out of the house with a forced smile plastered on his face.

Wonho gives Kihyun the brightest smile before leaning in to give the shorter a tight hug, a hug Kihyun didn’t know he ever needed until now and he didn’t want to let go. This hug was so comforting that it brought actual tears to Kihyun’s eyes, but he didn’t let them fall.

“You look tired,” Wonho tells him sadly as he starts driving, occasionally turning to look at Kihyun.

“Uni’s been shit,” Kihyun tries to laugh it out but it ends up coming out dry.

“Is everything okay at home?” He suddenly asks. Kihyun hesitates. Wonho is one of Kihyun’s friends who knows a little more of the ugly depths of Kihyun’s life and his family—still Kihyun doesn’t dive all in and spill every one of his dark thoughts to the other.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? I won’t ever judge you.” Kihyun knows this deep inside. It isn’t that he couldn’t trust Wonho, if anything he trusts him much more than anyone else, but Kihyun just can’t find it in himself to spill the darkest parts of himself, the part that might scare Wonho away thinking Kihyun is a mess, too messy to be handled or fixed.

“My parents fought again today,” he admits softly and Wonho sighs. His free hand reaching over to squeeze his thigh. “And—they’re not talking to me. I mean I know my father won’t be talking to me because that’s how he always is, but my mom—I don’t understand why she’s not talking to me.”

“They got into a fight, maybe she’s just not in the mood.”

“But she talked to my brother...” Kihyun tells him, heart stinging when he remembers it. Wonho goes quiet for a moment. “I didn’t—I didn’t do anything wrong…” Kihyun trails off and it seems like he wants to convince the other that he is innocent, that he is, in fact, as clueless as he can be even though he didn’t need to justify himself.

“That’s so shitty of them,” Wonho finally says and Kihyun gives no comment to that. He wants to agree that his parents' treatment towards him is shitty, but he just can’t bring his heart to do it. “And it’s so shitty that they think it’s okay to take it out on the oldest child.”

Kihyun can feel the sting in his eyes because this hits him deep in his heart.

“Why—Why can’t th—they understand that just because I’m the oldest child and just because I don’t always show that I’m sad doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. I—I hurt too…” Kihyun chokes out and Wonho’s hurt just shatters hearing this. He parks his car at the side of the road and Kihyun looks up at him confusedly.

Wonho leans over and gives Kihyun another hug and this time Kihyun clings onto him harder. He doesn’t sob or cry but he does sniffle. He didn’t want to ruin their day with his sob story.

“You can stay out for dinner right?” Kihyun nods as he draws back from the hug. “Then I’ll make sure you have a really fucking good time before I drop you off.” Kihyun giggles nodding his head profusely. 

Forgetting today’s event by spending a few blissful hours is what Kihyun needs—it’s what he has been doing all this time to cope with the sadness he is feeling. 


	6. 𝓒𝓻𝓾𝓶𝓫𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰

Kihyun had not seen the Shownu guy for a few weeks now and Kihyun likes to think it’s because he is just  _ that  _ good at avoiding the other—and by avoiding he means not going up to the rooftop for the next two weeks and going straight home after classes as he tries avoiding spending too much time at common areas like the Studen Lounge (the only other place he had ever met Shownu outside of the rooftop).

Today, however, Kihyun finds himself back at the edge of the railing, taking in much-needed air to ease the painful jabs in his heart. Not being able to come up here was hard, to say the least. Even if Kihyun did find solace in his small room that he tries to make as homely as possible, still sometimes being confined with four brick walls is all the same suffocating then staying in that house altogether. 

He had put up with two weeks but today he can’t anymore. It almost burns his lungs at how desperate he is to  _ breathe _ . 

Kihyun tells himself that he will only take ten minutes. He can’t risk more than that, at least not for a while, until he is sure that no one will be following him up to the rooftops again. 

“Kihyun.”

Kihyun only asks for ten minutes—and that too he couldn’t have. 

“Fuck,” Kihyun murmurs, head quickly snapping to the side when he sees the one person he has been avoiding. When Kihyun sees the sheer relief washing over the other’s face he frowns in utter confusion. 

But he isn’t going to stay and interrogate him. Kihyun isn’t interested. What he is interested in though is to run away from this stranger. 

“Wait—” Shownu says instantly when he notices the smaller ready to take off— _ again _ . 

“Shownu-ssi, I understand your concern and not to be rude or anything but most people wouldn’t care this much about some stranger and I believe you and I don’t know each other  _ at all _ ,” Kihyun says, keeping his tone as polite as possible while his feet is itching to just run. 

“I know but I don’t see anything wrong with caring for a stranger,” Shownu says, trying to get his own point across.

And if Shownu thinks that this one answer alone would pacify Kihyun in any way, he is wrong. If anything Kihyun is even more confused and he didn’t need this sense of confusion piled in with his other unresolved emotions. Whatever he was feeling is overwhelming enough, he didn’t want additional concerns weighing him down, suffocating him even more than he already is. 

“This isn’t normal!” Kihyun finally snaps, he himself getting frustrating seeing how stubborn the other is. He knows it isn’t fair getting angry at Shownu who only is  _ caring  _ for him, but Kihyun didn’t know where or who else to release this frustration towards. 

“Things don’t always have to be ‘normal’ for it to make sense,” Shownu tries to tell him calmly. “Haven’t it occur to you that maybe I just want to help you or to be there for you?”

“I want to be alone, haven’t that maybe occur to you?” Kihyun retorts sharply, his piercing glare slowly starting to burn. 

“Maybe…”

“Fuck then?”

“But do you have to spend your alone time at the  _ edge  _ of the railing?”

Kihyun grunts. He is so close to pulling his hair out.  _ What will it take for this guy to just leave him the fuck alone? _

“Fuck! I told you—”

“You’re not suicidal I get it. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have any other things planned.”

“Oh?” Kihyun can’t help but let out a snarky scoff. “Like what?”

“I don’t know,” Shownu shrugs. “But there are so many things that you can do when you’re alone that can be… dangerous.”

“And this concerns you because?” Kihyun repeats the same question through gritted teeth. His fists are clenched painfully tight around the railing as he blinks away the burning tears at the back of his eyes. 

Shownu notices this, he sees the way the smaller is slightly trembling, he sees how Kihyun’s knuckles are turning white from how hard he is holding onto the railing and he sees the nerves now visible along his forehead from how hard he is clenching his teeth with his eyes turning bloodshot. 

“Kihyun-ah—-” Shownu tries to approach him.

“N—No!” Kihyun seems to have had it, he’s slowly reaching his breaking point, whatever it is, and Shownu can see him crumbling. The fragment of whatever Kihyun was holding onto is crumbling. 

“Why—Why—I just—I—Pl—Please—” Kihyun slowly starts to crack. Trembling hands lets go of the railing as he tries to suppress the sob within him. 

Kihyun told himself not to cry. He couldn’t do it in the comfort of his room when his mind had been too preoccupied with all the work he had put off. He told himself not to cry, especially not in public, especially not in front of a stranger—but it’s too much. 

Everything weighing down on him feels too much. 

It’s hard to breathe, it’s getting harder to catch proper breaths and Kihyun doesn’t know if it’s from the panic he’s feeling or from the sob he is trying hard to suppress. 

Kihyun just wants this one small thing to go his way. He won’t be greedy and ask for more. He just wants to have a few minutes to just breathe and he hates how he can’t get this one small thing to satisfy himself.

Life hasn’t been going Kihyun’s way for a while now, and the one time he thinks it is (somewhat) going his way it takes a sharp U-turn and Kihyun can’t exactly describe the feeling other than being completely frustrated—with himself and life in general. 

Kihyun doesn’t know when Shownu moved closer to him, close enough to touch him. He’d only realized it when he feels the other touch his hand, but Kihyun flinches away hard from the other. 

Kihyun didn’t ever think having someone care for him like this could be so… suffocating. 

He wishes that when he actually needs some company then the people who told him they will be there for him will actually be there for him, but that isn’t  _ always  _ the case. And when his heart bleeds to be alone, he wishes life would just leave him alone. Kihyun doesn’t want to ask for much and yet it seems like Kihyun is asking too much from his life with these two things. 

“Kihyun-ah, please—” It seems like Shownu is, pathetically, begging at this point. “I just want to be there for you.” And really who is to say that Shownu is lying, he has been honest his whole life but Kihyun didn’t know that and this all but satisfies Kihyun if he is being honest. 

“I’m doing just fine handling it on my own,” Kihyun spits as he wipes the tears that had managed to fall with the back of his hand. 

Lies. 

Kihyun knows it’s a point-blank lie, but asking for help for his blackened soul isn’t something he is courageous enough to do and he has (unfortunately) grown so accustomed to dealing with this blackened soul of his all alone that seeking help, or even wanting company through his turmoils, scares him. The mere thought really scares him and the last thing he needs is another contributing factor to his horrible anxiety. 

Even if he did seek out his close friends for comfort, Kihyun never lets himself be too vulnerable or be a hundred percent transparent with them. Kihyun filters his emotions, being sure it isn’t too heavy for his friends to comprehend.

“Kihyun-ah—”

“Please—Please leave me alone.”

“Kihyun—”

“F—Fine.” Kihyun turns on his heels to walk away instead but Shownu grabs onto his wrist and almost impulsively Kihyun yanks his wrist away as though the other’s touch did burn him. Shownu quickly apologizes for it.

“You can stay here. Just—” he pauses hesitantly. “Just, please don’t be reckless,” the other trails off before he walks away with heavy reluctant steps. 

He really didn’t want to leave Kihyun alone, especially after seeing how distressed he is, but he also didn’t want to make him feel overly uncomfortable than he already did now. Kihyun was right, Sownu is just a mere stranger who technically had no right over what Kihyun wants to do. Yet Shownu is so worried. But he can only hope that Kihyun would somewhat listen to him be okay, for now, then maybe he will approach the other some other day on much better terms. 

Kihyun watches the other’s back moving further away from him before it disappears out the door. He rubs his eyes roughly with the back of his hand and lets out a shaky sigh before turning back to the open expanse. 

Kihyun doesn’t cry like he thought he would once Shownu left, but he is left gasping for air with his chest constricting painfully. He tightens his grip around the railing and leans his body forward as much as he can and take in huge gulps of air, hoping to ease the pain. 

He takes in anguished breaths, paying little mind to what the other had told him about being reckless because maybe, just maybe, being  _ reckless  _ might be the only other way to get the breath of fresh air Kihyun so desperately needs. 


	7. 𝓡𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓸𝓻

╒══════════════════╕

28 February

_ 3 pm _

**_I’m not too sure what’s wrong with me but I can definitely say whatever I’m doing to myself will be the cause of my own downfall in the future. Not that I don’t already blame myself but I guess the fact that I really hate myself is so pertinent to the way I am acting now._ **

**_I tell myself almost habitually that I am not good enough, I am not that smart, whatever I do I can never do it right or have it go my way, and therefore I can never be successful in anything I do. It’s almost like I was born only to be set up for failure..._ **

**_I know I should stop this, I should stop throwing all these negativities towards myself. And I don’t need people’s reminder that I should stop—no offense. I do appreciate the effort of you telling me that I need to love myself and I can’t always dwell in self-hate but guess what Sherlock? I know that. I fucking know that. I’ve tried so many times._ **

**_I’m already experiencing first-hand what self-hate can do to someone. And it’s not like I enjoy every second being trapped in this self-destructing zone. I want to be good. I want to be someone who my parents aren’t ashamed of. I want to be good enough for myself. I want all these and yet I am slowly killing myself. I’m not suicidal, but the things that I do to myself are all mass destruction that is slowly killing me…._ **

**_I don’t have the energy to find the motivation to do better because I told myself many times that I can’t be any better. I’m a failure and that’s all I’ll always be._ **

**_I hate myself—this one sentence speaks volumes now._ **

  
  


╘══════════════════╛

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is personal to me in some way. If you feel like you can relate to this story even a little, just know that you are not alone. We will get through this💜


	8. 𝓣𝓻𝓮𝓹𝓲𝓭𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

As soon as the lecture ends for today Kihyun’s mind can’t help but fleet right back to the worry he had since the moment he woke up today morning: find the laboratories where his tutorial will be held. He is already dreading this because one, he doesn’t want to make a fool of himself by seen wandering around the university like an idiot, and two, he didn’t exactly know how to kill two whole hours before his tutorial starts (or in this case kill _one and a half hours_ since Kihyun would most likely have an early start to search for the laboratory).

“Which tutorial group did you choose?” his one and only university friend asks.

“I—” Kihyun hesitates, doubting his own memory. At the back of his mind, he is sure he chose _Tutorial 9 (T9)_ but at the same time, heavy doubt weighs on him and he doesn’t trust himself enough to be sure with whatever his mind is telling him. “Let me—check.”

Kihyun hastily scrambles through his bag to find his planner already feeling like a complete idiot for not properly remembering his tutorial group. He didn’t like it when people are waiting for him, it made Kihyun feel like he had inconvenienced them with his stupidity and overall clumsy nature. When has he never inconvenienced anyone, Kihyun thinks to himself.

When he finally flips through the entire course outline that he had jotted down, he mentally slaps himself because it is indeed _T9_. He didn’t have to waste his ‘friends’ time if he had just trusted his memory. Then again, Kihyun’s self-doubt always overweighs everything else.

“T9,” Kihyun tells him, finally.

“Oh man, you gotta wait for another two hours,” his friend says, patting his back almost sympathetically.

“Y—Yours is soon, right?” Kihyun asks, trying to keep the conversation going which only makes him sound pathetic, and perhaps even desperate for some kind of companion he can chill with for a while. The guy hums. “Do you—Do you know where it is?”

“I took my undergrads here so I’m familiar.” Kihyun nods to that.

Something at the back of his mind nudges him to ask the guy where his laboratory would be, if he can’t bring Kihyun there, at least he _could_ give Kihyun a rough idea of where it is since he is fairly new here. Yet at the same time, Kihyun wonders if helping him would be an inconvenience in any way—again.

“I should get going.”

Kihyun says nothing about showing him the direction to his tutorial later. Instead, he just nods and waves goodbye as he watches his ‘friend’ walk towards the lift.

Kihyun does regret not asking, but at the same time, he is relieved that he didn’t make an utter fool of himself by asking in the first place. Kihyun thinks that the less of a nuisance he is than maybe, just maybe, he might have one permanent friend in this university (a friend that will probably last for this whole semester).

Now that Kihyun thinks about it he knows it’s sad. He wonders if he was always this way. He doesn’t remember making friends ever being this difficult. Kihyun wasn’t exactly a social butterfly back in middle school or high school but Kihyun also doesn’t ever remember him being _this_ anxious in making one simple friend, he doesn’t ever remember thinking so hard to this extent when wanting to make friends.

It seemed so simple then.

The Kihyun then seemed a little bit more extroverted too. It’s like he barely recognizes the person he is now.

Was he always this anxious? Was he always so… negative? Did he always feel so helpless over everything?

When did he start feeling like life itself was suffocating, that he can barely **breathe**?

Kihyun lets out a heavy sigh at his pathetic self. He hates himself and it only seems like this self-hate is growing more and more each day.

Kihyun starts walking away as his mind wrecks to think where he should waste his next one hour and thirty minutes. Kihyun couldn’t go to the library today because he stupidly forgot his student ID back at home and he didn’t want to go to the cafeteria because he isn’t the slightest bit hungry.

Maybe the _Second Floor Sitting Area_? He thinks. But he knows himself too well that he will only ever be brave enough to hang around there if he didn’t care about being seen as a loner. Yet the problem is Kihyun cares, he cares a little too much about other’s judgments and so that idea is quickly scraped from his mind.

“Kihyun,” he hears his name and he instantly whips his head around without thinking much about who called. Kihyun gasps silently with his eyes blown wide at unexpectedly seeing Shownu right there.

“O—Oh…” Kihyun trails off.

To be honest so much had been going on in Kihyun’s life that the thought of potentially bumping into Shownu, the familiar stranger, around campus completely slipped his mind.

“Um—I—”

“How have you been?” Shownu asks so gently, heavily evident with concern. Kihyun can’t help but frown. He is sure that he has been straight out rude to this guy and yet here he is, still being so nice. Kihyun wants to reply, more like resort to some sort of snarky comment but he gets interrupted.

“Shownu hyung!” he hears someone call right behind the guy and Shownu snaps his head to the back. Kihyun didn’t peek to see who it might be but instead, he let out a relieved sigh and decided to just walk away by turning his back. Kihyun has only managed to take a few good steps before—

“Wait, Kihyun-ah!” Kihyun grumbles audibly soft. Kihyun reluctantly turns around to see Shownu jogging over his way. “Are you free now?”

“I—I—uhh—I have a tutorial in two hours,” Kihyun tells him and he wants to slap himself for telling the truth. He could’ve come up with a believable lie but instead, his anxiety decides to splutter out the truth.

This answer itself prompts a much wider smile to appear on the other’s face.

“Let’s have lunch together.”

Kihyun chokes on his spit, completely taken aback by this proposal.

“H—Huh?” Kihyun questions like an idiot to which Shownu chortles slightly.

“Lunch. I’m free for another few hours too. Let’s have lunch.”

“I—Well, I’m n—not exactly hungry,” Kihyun admits.

Kihyun had lost all his appetite from the moment he woke up today morning. It’s nothing unusual, it’s normal for him to be so heavily induced with anxiety (especially during mornings where he isn’t certain about the things going about his entire day) that his appetite completely vanishes until he gets home that same day. So it is normal for Kihyun to skip breakfast and lunch (most times), especially when he is high on anxiety, and right now his anxiety is only escalating the longer this conversation is going on.

Shownu frowns upon hearing this.

“Oh, did you have a heavy breakfast?”

“I didn’t have breakfast today.” And again Kihyun wants to slap himself.

Shownu’s frown only deepens.

“You need to eat at least something, even if it’s a little,” Shownu tells him, and Kihyun just mindlessly listens. He’s heard this so many times but people simply telling him the importance of not skipping a meal isn’t suddenly going to make his appetite come back.

“How about drinking something?”

Now Kihyun frowns.

It is later on he understands what the other means. Shownu had suggested for him to get some sort of a chocolate or strawberry drink to somewhat keep his stomach filled.

Today is the first time that Kihyun had gone to the cafeteria and that too he followed Shownu like an obedient puppy, not saying anything along the way.

Shownu had shown him the different stalls around the cafeteria hoping that would pique the other’s appetite a little but it didn’t work because in the end, Kihyun opts for a chocolate milk drink while Shownu gets himself a full meal himself.

Kihyun had of course had unpleasant scenarios mapped out in his head where most of it ends with the both of them in rather awkward silence while they feast on whatever they got. On the contrary, Kihyun must certainly be thankful that Shownu is much of a talker than he is—being a talker not in the sense where he splutters nonsense but he engages in somewhat meaningful conversation, like slowly getting to know each other.

Thus far Kihyun knows that Shownu is twenty-seven years old, lives alone, and is currently taking his _Masters in Business Psychology_.

Shownu knows that Kihyun is twenty- two years old, lives with his family, and is currently doing his _Bachelors in Psychology_.

It does take Kihyun a while to properly ease into conversations with Shownu (which surprisingly the older had never once mentioned about the rooftop incident), but eventually, his heart did stop racing as hard as it was and his hands aren’t shaking as badly and the tips of his fingers aren’t so cold anymore. He is, slowly, getting comfortable with the older, Kihyun can tell from all these physiological symptoms.

But that doesn’t erase the fact that he is still on edge, not because of Shownu anymore, but because as the minutes tick he is only getting closer to the moment he would need to go find the laboratory for his tutorial and he can’t help but check the time every now and then.

His once calm heart starts picking up its pace once more when he sees that he had thirty minutes left before his tutorial starts.

Kihyun clutches one of the straps of his bag while the other grips his phone tightly. Shownu looks at him confusedly when Kihyun pushes his chair back getting ready to leave.

“I’m sorry but I need to go,” Kihyun says in a haste.

“But you still have thirty minutes before your tutorial class starts.”

“I—” Kihyun already knows that his reason sounds stupid and he internally grumbles at himself. “I—I don’t know where th—the lab is. I’m new here,” Kihyun tells him shamefully, head lowered with his gaze trained to the ground.

“Sit down, Kihyun-ah,” Shownu tells him. Kihyun’s frown reappears as his gaze slowly lifts up to see the reassuring smile on the older’s lips. “I’m familiar with this campus, I can show you where the lab for your tutorial is.”

“I—No, no! It’s alright! I can just—I can read off the signs and find m—my way,” Kihyun quickly declines. "Th—Thank you though..."

“Like I said, I’m free for another few hours so there’s nothing to worry about. I really don’t mind showing you.” It sounds a little too good to be true that someone as kind as Shownu hasn’t once pointed out Kihyun’s odd and rude behaviors and also wants to help Kihyun in showing where the laboratory is.

“I—I don’t want t—to be a bother. If y—you just tell me how to get there, I—I would really appreciate it too.”

“You’re not being a bother I assure you. Besides, I’m the one that offered, didn’t I?” Shownu says, smile still kind as ever. Shownu’s eyes cast down to Kihyun’s hands where they are now digging into his skin creating concerning nail marks and he notices the slight tremble in them as well.

Shownu reaches his hand forward and gently takes Kihyun’s hand, not missing the slight flinch from the sudden contact, and pulls him to sit back down on his chair.

“You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep doing that,” Shownu tells him softly, nudging towards his hands. Kihyun snatches his hands and puts them under the table, clenching onto his knees now to stop the tremble.

“You don’t have to be so apprehensive around me, I’m not here to judge you or whatever it is you’re going through,” Shownu says.

This mention has Kihyun shrinking down in his seat. He hates how Shownu, a person that barely knows Kihyun can already tell that he is a mess without properly getting to know him and this only makes Kihyun want to run the other way more.

The thing is, Shownu might be the only person to see this completely shattered side of Kihyun that somehow always seeps through his cracks whenever they are around. Sure, Wonho does know that Kihyun isn’t all smiles and happy-go-lucky like everyone thinks he is, he knows that Kihyun also has his demons but just like everyone else Kihyun manages to cover his dark side, giving Wonho enough to see to know that he isn’t keeping anything from him.

Kihyun is good at hiding his dark sides and concealing his true emotions behind a blinding smile if it means no one will peel through the visible cracks they see occasionally and leave him alone.

But somehow Shownu only seems to be holding onto Kihyun’s cracks, waiting for the moment where he would willingly open up himself to the other, and perhaps this is why Kihyun feels the high urge to run away and forever hide from the older.

He doesn’t want to open up to anyone. He doesn’t want anyone to see this disgusting dark side he has. He doesn’t even want people’s reassurance because they have all been useless all these years.

Kihyun wants to believe that he can go through whatever it is he is dealing with on his own and he likes to believe that if he just gets his shit together then maybe, just maybe, things wouldn’t be so bad—that maybe he can finally be able to **breathe** a little better.

Eventually, after Shownu finishes his meal, he beckons for Kihyun to follow him. Once again, Kihyun obediently and quietly follows, being sure to see the way properly so he can get here on his own the next week.

“Here it is,” Shownu points out, stopping to one of the many doors. Kihyun looks up to the door and sees that it is indeed the same laboratory name written under his tutorial group. He lets out a relieved sigh as he takes a terse glance over his watch to see that he still has twenty minutes before his tutorial starts.

“Take my number,” Shownu suddenly says.

“Wh—What?”

“I mean, save my number for, you know, emergencies…?”

“Emergencies?” Kihyun questions, sounding rather accused now. 

“It’s not the way you think,” Shownu quickly clarifies. “If you ever need help getting around campus, you can always text or call me. I’m usually around campus most days so I really don’t mind helping you around.”

Kihyun still has a skeptical look on his face. To anyone else the proposition of idea is alright, some might even feel relieved that they have someone willing wanting to help them with just being one call or text away but Kihyun, if he’s being honest, he doesn’t exactly know how to feel about this.

“You don’t have to give me your number, just take mine,” Shownu adds.

Kihyun wants to ask, ‘why him’? Why would Shownu, a stranger, care for Kihyun, another stranger?

But when Kihyun sees his other coursemates slowly entering the laboratory, Kihyun’s mind immediately fleets to the thought that he needs to go in as quickly as possible to get a decent seat and to also avoid being stared at by everyone else if he were to enter much later.

And so, he reluctantly takes Shownu’s number, says a soft ‘thank you’ before bowing slightly, and hastily makes his way into the laboratory.


	9. 𝓓𝓮𝓼𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓻

Kihyun's grip on his phone only tightens as he dreadfully hears Hyungwon giving him rather good reasons for the outing he was planning for today—less than a few hours really. And it all sounds so fun and Kihyun would really really love to go more than anything, if only it were that easy for him that is.

"So...?" Hyungwon drawls, anticipating a positive answer. Kihyun hates this over-positive tone of expecting something so highly of Kihyun that he knows will most likely disappoint his friend(s) in the end.

"You can make it, right?"

"I—I need to ask my parents, Hyungwon," Kihyun tells him softly, heart beating a little too fast and hard for Kihyun's liking. He can hear the small breath Hyungwon releases and Kihyun almost knows that it's a sigh and not the good kind.

"You're _twenty-two_ , Kihyun,' Hyungwon says and of course Kihyun instantly knows what Hyungwon is trying to say and he doesn't like it. Kihyun isn't stupid.

"Jeez, thanks for reminding me," Kihyun retorts playfully instead, with hints of sarcasm.

"Don't tell me that your parents still control whether you get to go out at _this_ age," Hyungwon says and Kihyun feels the clench in his heart. That's exactly the whole situation.

"You know how they are..."

"Yea and I kinda understand if we are both still in high school." Kihyun cringes away slightly because this statement prickles his skin in a painful way. "Kihyun, you're an adult for God's sake. Not having your driver's license is one thing, but still not being able to go out on your own free will is a little too much."

Kihyun doesn't say anything to this because what can he say? He doesn't like the situation he is in any more than Hyungwon does, but what can Kihyun do?

Telling him to just suck it up and do whatever he wants just because he is older— an adult—is only easy saying or hearing it, but Kihyun can never do it, not when so much will be hanging by the thread if he does. He doesn't want to sound dramatic, but he is sure that if he doesn't listen to all that his parents tell him, he wouldn't be surprised if his family disowns him and just the mere thought is enough to send him into a panic attack. If his parents disown him that means his relatives wouldn't associate with him which only means that he doesn't exactly have anyone else he can rely on.

Kihyun already feels lost as it is and if he were to lose shelter and other provisions just because he decides to act how he thinks is right he knows that might just be the last straw for him. He can't fend for himself, not even financial-wise since his parents don't allow him to work, saying he can look for a job after he finishes his studies. And without financial aid, he can't look for a place of his own or get any other things for him to survive all on his own.

Maybe he does have friends who would stick out for Kihyun, but for how long can Kihyun depend on them until he eventually becomes a burden?

He could tell his friends this but he wonders if he'll even sound ridiculous. They might laugh at him for thinking so irrationally far and at the same time, they wouldn't get it. Kihyun knows that as much as they care, they wouldn't be able to understand this part of his life, the part where he tries to be the 'perfect' son just to get by enough until he graduates with his degree.

So Kihyun couldn't risk it because he didn't want to. He couldn't lose this one security he is sure he will be able to keep if he just complies and be (somewhat) of a good son as long as he follows whatever his parents tell him.

"Are you guys still going out later?" Kihyun asks softly.

"Everyone else can make it. We're just waiting for your reply," Hyungwon tells him. Kihyun hearts jabs another time. If only he could go out so easily like them. "Can you please at least ask them? Maybe they might say _'yes'_!"

_But I know them better than you and the likelihood of getting a fat 'no' is highly possible._

"I—I can try to ask them," Kihyun replies instead.

"Please do," Hyungwon says. "And get back to us as soon as possible."

Kihyun already feels his hand shaking from the thought of having to get out of bed and go downstairs to ask his parents about this. He takes in a huge breather before he reluctantly gets off his bed and opens his room door. He hears the sound of the television blaring and he knows that his father must be watching it while his mother is in the kitchen from the sound of kitchen utensils clunking.

He grips his hand on the stair's railing and tries to stay positive.

Maybe they will say _'yes'_. Kihyun wants to think so, he desperately wants to believe so.

But then memories from years ago start crashing in, countless moments where Kihyun had been in this similar situation, sweating his palms out and heart beating painfully against his chest as he asks for his parents' permission to go out with his friends and almost always their answer is _'no'_ and that too without a solid reason why he couldn't go out even if Kihyun persistently asks.

And that too he asks a few days before the actual outing, he didn't want to know the lecture or see the dissatisfied look on their faces knowing that the outing is today, in a few hours, and Kihyun is only telling them _now_.

That's when he stops before he reaches the bottom of the stairs.

Kihyun can't do it. Every pessimism of dark clouds from the corners of his mind starts crawling up to him, clouding over whatever optimism he had until eventually he no longer feels the spark of hope he had only seconds before.

He can't do it; not when his heart is beating so loud and his hands are shaking. Not when he already knows that he will be a stuttering mess if he were to open his mouth. Not when he is almost sure that their answer is _'no_ '.

So Kihyun gives up, walking back up the stairs and into his room.

Kihyun is a coward, he knows that much about himself and he is shameful for being so, for being an adult and is barely able to stand up for himself for what he wants.

 **Kihyun:**  
they said no

 **Hyungwon:**  
owh man  
it's okay then  
maybe next time you can join us

 **Kihyun:**  
yea

Kihyun has never felt anymore useless and hopeless especially for the age he is in now. He had always thought that if he were to get older, perhaps be an adult, then life would be a little bit better, that the freedom he had been craving for would be given to him if not fully then at least partially. He sees his friends, people his age, some even younger, living the most of their life while Kihyun either fears living one moment because he isn't allowed to or he barely wants to live the next.

He can't help but think how _unfair_ life is—how unfair that he is having to live like this when all he wants is just to get through life the way he wishes to (and is able to) but still be able to **breathe** at the end of it all. 

Is that too much to ask?


	10. 𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓰𝓻𝓲𝓷

**Kihyun:** **  
**Shownu-ssi I just wanted to ask|  
Shownu-ssi I just wan||  
Shownu-ssi I|  
S|

Kihyun didn't know where the sudden spark of confidence came from when he decided to press on Shownu's contact and thought about asking for help because he can't find another one of the lecture halls for the class he has in a while.

Kihyun had come early today with the intention to find his way around, not intending to contact _anyone_ whatsoever for help. But after roaming around (with the refusal to ask anyone for help), Kihyun is almost certain that the department had simply scribbled on whatever on his schedule because he is convinced that the lecture hall does not exist.

Kihyun sees the sign that points to _Block C_ , his intended block, and sighs in relief. _Maybe he doesn't really need help._

With a little more confidence boasted into him, Kihyun follows where the arrow points to. From what he understands anyways, his lecture hall should be up on the fourth floor and that's where Kihyun immediately heads to. He checks the time and sees that he has twenty minutes before his class actually starts and this eases the jab in his heart.

He isn't late. He won't make a fool of himself.

This much reassurance is enough to ease his anxiety just a little more.

Kihyun starts searching for the designated lecture hall once he steps out of the elevator. He repeatedly looks down at his schedule and then back up to read the lecture hall names whenever passes by one. When he reaches the last lecture hall at the end of the floor Kihyun frowns with his heart dropping exponentially.

He is sure that this is the block, the sign said so. Yet Kihyun can't find the lecture hall. That's when the pessimism starts seeping in and his panic begins rising.

And almost like a coincidental misfortune of some sort, the lecture hall he is standing outside of opens and Kihyun jumps far back and watches as students leave the lecture hall. Kihyun doesn't miss the way some give him an odd look wondering what he was doing outside the lecture hall and Kihyun really just wants to disappear.

Kihyun stands back at the far corner and waits for the students to leave before he even decides to take one step forward. Until then with his heart jabbing painfully against his chest and his eyes trembling over the many students flooding out the lecture hall, Kihyun can only clench onto his phone tightly as he tells himself not to cry.

Pathetic, he knows, but that's all he knows what to do now.

"Kihyun!" he hears his name and he whips his head instantly, never thinking he would hear someone else call his name in a place he barely knows.

Kihyun sees Shownu walking out of the crowd straight towards him and he doesn't think he has ever been so relieved to see a familiar stranger before.

"Kihyun, hi!" Shownu says as soon as he stands in front of the younger. Kihyun has the strong urge to just throw himself on the older and hug him but he refrains himself. Instead, Kihyun bows his head awkwardly, really hadn't expected to meet the older, especially not in this specific building out of the five others around this campus.

"Hi..." he says softly.

"I don't mean to pry but I don't think you would be having classes here," Shownu tells him and Kihyun stares at him confusedly. "This block is usually for students taking their Masters, Kihyun-ah," Shownu explain to him and Kihyun's eyes widen and then frowns. "I mean, unless... well, you're here to see someone from the counselling department, that's on the sixth floor, not here."

Something in Kihyun triggers him to jolt at the mere mention of _counselling_ and he quickly shakes his head profusely almost in desperation. Nothing associated with counselling is ever good for Kihyun's case and so he tries to stay as far away as possible from it.

"N—No counselling," Kihyun stammers. Shownu can see the visible fear pooling in the younger's eyes as it shrouds pieces of pain along with it and this itself breaks Shownu's heart because he didn't intend to scare the younger like this.

"Fuck!" Kihyun mutters to himself knowing that he has, yet again, made another fool of himself in front of this Shownu guy. It's isn't like Kihyun wants this to happen but somehow, no matter how conscious he is to _not_ make a fool of himself, he always manages to be the biggest fool in the end.

"Hey it's okay," Shownu tries to reassure him, offering another kind smile hoping to ease Kihyun's worries.

 _No, it isn't_ , Kihyun thinks. It isn't close to okay, not even the slightest little bit. Kihyun had embarrassed himself so many times that at this rate he truly wants to disappear off the face of this planet.

Or maybe just disappear...

"Which lecture hall are you looking for?" Shownu asks, trying to allay the younger's own distress.

"Block—Block C," Kihyun mumbles. "But I don't understand. The sign showed here but I—I can't find the lecture hall at all."

"The signs are a little confusing I would say. This building is Block C but it's the older one. The one you were referring to is the new building," Shownu tells him. "I'm sure when it's written Block C there is an _asterisk mark_ along with it for your class."

Kihyun quickly unlocks his phone which immediately shows him his entire schedule. Kihyun zooms into the class for today and he doesn't think he can hate himself any more than he does now for being so utterly impetuous like this.

There beside the written Block C is indeed an _asterisk mark_.

**Block C***

In the haste of everything, he didn't think to wonder why there was an asterisk mark in the first place on the block name but just blindly followed whatever his eyes first saw and he was too much in a rush to overanalyze anything else.

"I'm so stupid, "Kihyun maffles, mostly to himself, but Shownu catches every word of it then frowns. "How did I not see that? Fuck, what is wrong with me?"

"You're not stupid, Kihyun-ah," Shownu tells him gently. "Come on, I'll bring you to your lecture hall."

To this, Kihyun quickly shakes his head.

"You—You can just tell me where it is," Kihyun tells him softly. His gaze trains to the ground, not daring to meet the older's eyes anymore.

"I need to go to the office anyway and it's on the way so I don't mind walking with you." Kihyun hesitantly looks up through his lashes.

"Th—Thank you but—"

"You don't want to be late, do you?" Kihyun's checks the time again and sees that he only has ten minutes before the lecture starts and internally, he panics even more.

So Kihyun sucks it. He mutely shakes his head and complies with following the older.

They walk side by side, keeping a good distance between them; not too far that it is straight out awkward but not too close to initiating that they are some sort of friends. Shownu would occasionally turn his head to the side to see how Kihyun is doing and he always picks up another anxious habit and Kihyun has a few lots of those.

Sometimes Kihyun would be clutching his hands a little too tightly together, or he would be checking the time on his phone every few seconds and some other times he would realise Kihyun would be bitting his lower lip until it's worrying red.

"You know, when I said call me whenever you need help, I meant it," Shownu says, breaking the silence between them. The silence isn't all that awkward, but Shownu likes to get across a few conversations before reaching Kihyun's destination.

Kihyun doesn't reply to that instead, his teeth only graze harder over his bottom lip. He can taste the mild iron tainting his tastes buds and that's when he knows that he bit it a little too hard. But Kihyun didn't care.

"I really don't mind showing you around the campus whenever you need me to since I know you don't exactly know anyone else here to help you."

"I—I think I can find my way around after today," Kihyun says instead, not sounding the least bit convincing.

"If you're worried that you might be a bother then don't. I know we're not close or exactly friends but just think of me as any other student—a senior student if you must."

"I'll keep that in mind..." Kihyun trails off.

"And that's all I ask," Shownu reassures. Shownu finally stops and Kihyun immediately stops too. "We're here." Kihyun looks at the lecture hall in front of him and whips out his phone to confirm. It is (finally) the right one, and with five minutes to spare.

"Th—Thank you, Shownu-ssi, really." 

"Any time Kihyun-ah. Take care of yourself, okay? And remember what I said. See you around," Shownu bids with another soft smile, waving him goodbye.

Kihyun doesn't realise that he had been standing there the entire time, watching until Shownu disappears behind another building only for him to realize that he had been staring like an idiot without saying his own goodbye for courtesy sake.

God, Kihyun really does want to cry now but he doesn't know if it's out of embarrassment or out of sheer relief, or maybe even out of the overwhelming mix of both. 


	11. 𝓐𝓶𝓫𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮

╒══════════════════╕

2 March 

_5.29 am_

_**Why do parents think it is okay to take it out on their kids when it is the issues between them and their partner?** _

_**Why do my parents think it’s okay to take it out on me?** _

_**Do they know that I hide behind a smile every time I’m around them? Maybe they don’t. And maybe I can’t blame them for that because I’m the one that wore this masked smile in the first place.** _

_**But they would’ve known that it should hurt, right, to be suddenly shunned upon? Have they ever thought that their mere actions are the ones making my anxiety worse?** _

_**I don’t even think they know the extent of how bad my anxiety has gotten… And perhaps that’s my fault too, for not telling them.** _

_**If I were to tell them, will they really listen? Or will they instead call me weak? I mean, it is pathetic isn’t it having your anxiety skyrocket from the mere sound of my parents lamming their doors (even when they aren’t mad).** _

_**Why am I like this?** _

_**I guess the million-dollar question is: how did I become like this?** _

  
  


╘══════════════════╛

Kihyun finds himself at the edge of the railing on the rooftop once again after a while, almost a week or two. 

Sometimes with all the buzz going on in his life, he tends to forget that this solitary space still exists where he can escape for a few minutes one day (if he is lucky that day that is). 

And today he would like to consider himself lucky because he had finished his lecture early enough to spare at least thirty minutes up here before his father comes to pick him up. Just the mere thought of going home is both dreadful but also relieving—dreadful in the sense that he has to step foot into such a heavy-ambience household (especially now that both his parents are fighting with each other, again), but relieving in the sense that he gets to lay in his bed, curl into his comforter and just forget the world around him (not for long, but long enough to feel anything remotely _good_ again). 

In a conflicting mix really. He doesn’t like being at home yet he had to force himself to find some kind of solace to coax his pained soul to at least make it through a day. So, Kihyun resorts to hiding away in his small bedroom, the one place his parents rarely enters, the one place his younger brother refuses to step foot into. 

Kihyun has created such a safe space in his bedroom that sometimes he thinks he might have an unhealthy attachment to it. Sure, coming up to the rooftop and standing a the edge of the railing is another means of catching a few breathes he can’t get anywhere else, yet somehow KIhyun would (still) always want to go back under his comforter, and if possible just drown his entire existence under the warm material.

As he takes another breath, his mind can’t help but let his mind fleet back to the events of yesterday; his parents fighting (thankfully not as loud as the first time) and the utter confusion of why his parents feel the need to show their aggression (indirectly) to Kihyun. It wouldn’t be all that bad if he didn’t have to ask for his parents’ permission to hang out with his friends in a few days—which he does, and Kihyun from the gecko already doesn’t know how to start the mere conversation especially when his dad glares at him every chance he gets and his mom just gives Kihyun a whole other anxiety spiked from the way she slams whatever she can get her hands on.

The jab in Kihyun’s heart comes back thinking about yesterday and he shakes his head. He came here to ease the physical ache in his heart, not reminisce about something that pains him even more.

Perhaps somewhere in the back of Kihyun’s mind, he wishes that this isn’t his only means to cope with whatever it is life is throwing at him, but at the same time, he’s in his comfort bubble where he is so used to everything that he just silently accepts these shards of glass thrown at him, quietly trying to mend his heart on his own along the way.

“Kihyun-ah,” he hears the sudden soft voice not too far from him and Kihyun can’t help the loud sigh leaving his lips, knowing exactly well who else would come up here. Kihyun isn’t surprised that the older is here but that’s not to say that he had expected the older to come in the first place.

He _could_ be rude and just ignore his call or just tell the other off, but the younger can’t help but think back to the moments where the older had willingly helped him when he was more than hesitant to ask for help. 

Maybe that’s what prompts him to turn and look at Shownu, and perhaps that is why he doesn’t have a scowl on his face or even have the urge to roll his eyes. 

Shownu finally takes careful steps towards Kihyun, being sure to be observant at whether Kihyun is moving away from him or if he is exhibiting any uneasiness.

“Can’t breathe?” Shownu asks gently and Kihyun should be taken aback by this question instead of the usual plead to step away from the railing but Kihyun feels a little too emotionally drained right now. He is just thankful that he doesn’t need to go on a full rage just to have his peace of mind (somewhat) restored. 

Kihyun nods.

Shownu doesn’t say anything to that response. Instead, he turns to face the vast expanse and rests both his arms on the edge of the railing. Kihyun watches the older for a moment before he goes back to where he was, leaning most of his body weight against the railing.

He takes in another huge breather, feeling the cool air pass through his lungs, easing the jabs in his heart. 

“When you say you can’t breathe, is it—do you mean _medically_?” Shownu asks now, being careful with how he phrases his words. 

“If it was medical-related maybe—maybe I wouldn’t be so frustrated at myself wondering why it’s so hard to **breathe** sometimes…” Kihyun says.

It is then Shownu understands that it’s more emotional related than physical. 

They both fall into silence and Kihyun doesn’t know if it’s awkward or not. On Shownu’s end, the silence is normal. He’s giving the other much needed quiet moment while he silently accompanies him until Kihyun didn’t want him anymore. For Kihyun, he has the tendency to overanalyze the silence basking him thinking it is _awkward_ when really it’s just in his head. 

“I’m not suicidal,” Kihyun tells him softly when he realises that the older is staying. Kihyun figures that the older might be staying, willingly putting himself through this silence with Kihyun because he is afraid that Kihyun might do something to himself.

“I don’t really have anyone else’s words to go by but yours so I’m hoping you’re not lying,” Shownu says to that. 

“I don’t want to die,” Kihyun says now. And he isn’t lying. 

As painful as he feels his life is, as hard as it is to breathe sometimes and at times where he wants to simply just disappear, never once has he thought about dying. 

“I’m not here because I think you’re suicidal but the reassurance is really nice. Thank you for that.”

“So why are you here?” Kihyun asks almost immediately, sounding unintentionally terse. He didn’t mean to make it sound _harsh_ , but Kihyun can’t help but be curious or rather he is confused at why Shownu—a familiar stranger—would want to care so much.

“Because I can. Because I want to,” Shownu simply answers. “If you want me to leave just say it and I will.”

The thing is Kihyun didn’t exactly know what he wants, at least not at that moment. He wanted the peace and quiet of being alone but at the same time having silent company isn’t all too bad as well. 

So Kihyun resorts to staying quiet, which is a sufficient enough answer for Shownu. 

“Do your worries or problems go away by being here?” Shownu asks this time.

“No,” Kihyun admits. “It’s always going to be there. I may not know how to get rid of them or even properly handle them, but I found a way where I could ease the pain for a mere second in my life, and that’s all I could only ask for now.”

  
  



	12. 𝓕𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓾𝓲𝓽𝓸𝓾𝓼

Kihyun's feet are bouncing lightly off the ground as he hums a familiar tune, gaze occasionally going back to the look at the road not too far at the side of him, watching out for Wonho's car. Today is another rare day where he is able to go out with Wonho and Hyungwon—or more like Kihyun had lied to his parents saying he had a tutorial late that day and that he won't be done for the day until late evening. They didn't think to question Kihyun further or to ask for some sort of evidence because they trust Kihyun _that_ much.

They trust Kihyun to be a good and obedient son, never lying and always doing what they want him to do.

There is a part of Kihyun that does feel the guilt for straight out lying to his parents but at the same time, he knows he needs this small moment away where he can drown in laughter and just not care or dwell in his thoughts. So if lying to this extent is what it'll take for Kihyun to feel the mere bliss life can offer him then so be it.

Kihyun's gaze looks to the road when he hears a car and sighs when it isn't the one he is waiting for. He can feel the slight adrenaline rush coursing through his body with the minutes ticking by as his mind constantly fleets back to the possibility of his parents (ever) finding out, and it's not the mere reason that he went out without their permission but it's that he blatantly lied to them right to their faces. Yet Kihyun knew it wasn't possible unless his father came to pick him up early or if he carelessly posted anything on social media where his brother would see (and rat him out if he felt like being mean).

Kihyun knew to be careful—extremely careful.

His feet bounces lightly once more and this time he sings to himself softly a song that has been stuck in his head while his gaze lingers around the quiet parking lot. He had of course looked around to make sure no one was near him. He isn't going to embarrass himself another time with his own voice. Kihyun thinks his voice doesn't sound all too bad, but that's only what _he_ thinks. He isn't brave enough to sing in front of other people—excluding Wonho and Hyungwon of course, but even they have praised Kihyun so many times yet Kihyun never believed them, thinking they were just being kind. As long as he thinks his voice is good enough he didn't mind singing to himself but he definitely didn't need other's validation to sing any louder.

"Kihyun-ah," the soft voice calls. Kihyun immediately stops singing, lips sealed into a thin line. Kihyun knew who it is because there is only one person to ever call him so gently around campus. Kihyun looks up to see Shownu already smiling down at him with that kind smile. "Hi," he greets.

Kihyun bows a little as his own form of greeting, suddenly unable to find a coherent thought process to say a simple word like _'hi'_ back. It's nothing new, Kihyun's words always get caught on the tip of his tongue at the most random moments—especially moments he isn't prepared for. And yet those seem to be the only times Kihyun ever sees the older. Shownu always manages to find Kihyun in the most unexpected moments ones he could never think of preparing for.

"May I?" Shownu asks, nudging towards the empty seat beside him.

"Y—Yea," Kihyun says, nodding. "You're leaving campus already?" Kihyun asks casually (or almost attempting to sound casual) as Shownu takes a seat next to him.

"Curious, aren't we?" Shownu poses in a jocose tone.

"I—I mean—"

"I'm just playing with you," Shownu chuckles. Kihyun gapes at him then huffs, rolling his eyes along with it. "I just got here actually and I happen to see you sitting here," Shownu clarifies.

"And you thought you would say _'hi'_?" Kihyun jokingly adds.

"Yea," Shownu confirms, sounding very much serious and Kihyun tries not to look too shocked by that as he diverts his eyes back to the parking lot, looking out if his friends had arrived or not. "You're waiting for a ride?"

"Waiting for my friends to arrive."

"Ah, they're still in lectures I assume."

"They—um—They don't go here actually."

"Oh."

"Yea..." Kihyun trails off.

Kihyun already knows that the atmosphere between them is awkward and Kihyun only scolds himself for being the way he is, just generally ill at ease and a buzzkill overall and he hates himself for that.

"Y—You don't have to stay with me until they arrive. I—I'm fine on my own," Kihyun splutters, already feeling bad for the older who he thinks is only accompanying Kihyun he pities him after their many unfortunate encounters together.

"I approached you because I had time before my lecture starts and wanted to talk with you," Shownu tells him gently with sincerity dripping from his voice.

"Don't you have friends?" Kihyun blurts curtly—unintentionally. "I—Oh fuck. I'm s—sorry! I didn't mean it like that," Kihyun quickly apologizes. Instead of taking offence to what Kihyun had just asked him so bluntly Shownu just chortles.

"I do have friends," Shownu replies. "But I just wanted to talk with you."

_But why?_

Kihyun knew he doesn't seem like someone who is approachable, not when people around him had told him that he needs to tone down his _resting-bitch-face_ —not that he does it intentionally. But not only that, Kihyun is sure that he hasn't given one good impression about himself to Shownu, and yet the older still willingly wants to talk to Kihyun.

"How's the first year going for you so far?" Shownu asks. "You're in the second sem, right?"

Kihyun hums.

"It's okay, I guess..." he answers vaguely.

"You guess?"

"I mean, it should be okay for me, right? It's just the beginning and I have another two years ahead of me and I know it'll only get harder as the semesters go by."

"You're finding it hard to cope."

"I shouldn't be though..." Kihyun trails off.

"Just because you're a first-year student doesn't mean you're obligated to feel that the course is easy now," Shownu tells him.

"So, if I said I'm close to pulling every single strand of my hair out?" Kihyun jokes with a crack of a smile evident as he looks up at the older.

"I would say that is perfectly reasonable and expected." Kihyun chuckles and it did take Shownu by mild surprise because this is the first time that he has seen the younger be so... _relaxed_ around him. He admits, it's refreshing to see this side of the younger and he will go as far as to admit that it is endearing to see him smile like this too.

Just then the sound of the horns makes Kihyun jump, accidentally falling into Shownu and thankfully the older holds him up against his arms, keeping him steady. But Kihyun doesn't take note of all that when his entire focus is at the car parked near where he is seated.

Wonho and Hyungwon are here.

"Yo, Yoo Kihyun!" Hyungwon hollers when he rolls down the window from the passenger side. He sees Wonho peering from the driver's side to take a peek at Kihyun and he waves at him with a goofy grin.

"My Lord Jesus Christ," Kihyun grumbles from the embarrassment. He hears Shownu chortling behind him and the tips of Kihyun's ears heat up.

"I see your friends are here," Shownu says as he stands along with Kihyun.

"Yea... " Kihyun mutters, gaze lifting back up to see the older. "So..." he trails off, not really sure how to end off their encounter for today. Would a simple _'goodbye'_ be too forward or would saying something along the lines of _'see you again'_ sound a little creepy (in Kihyun's head anyways).

"I'll see you around, Kihyun-ah?" Its Shownu that breaks the ice and Kihyun is so beyond thankful. This time Shownu poses it as a question rather than his usual statement. And Kihyun finds himself nodding.

"S—See you around." Kihyun gives a terse nod and turns on his heels, backpack tightly gripped by his hands ready to walk to his friends' car.

"Oh, Kihyun-ah!" Shownu calls, loud enough for Kihyun to snap his head back at the older, heart already hammering against his chest and he knows it is nothing romantic about this reaction because this hammers to his heart is the same ones he gets from the sudden rush of anxiety when he hears his name being called out of nowhere after thinking that the conversation is over. It's painful, but he ignores it while his head screams for nothing bad to happen.

"You have a beautiful voice by the way," Shownu compliments sounding so natch. And Kihyun doesn't think he has ever felt his cheeks being this _hot_ before—he doesn't even want to know what shade of red they are glowing in. 


	13. 𝓓𝓲𝓼𝓺𝓾𝓲𝓮𝓽

Kihyun couldn’t bring himself to look out the window even when he knows that Shownu had already left into the building. Just the mere memory of what the older had told him has his heart stuttering in an odd way and he can feel the warmth rushing to his cheeks almost instantly whenever he thinks about it.

“You look like a fucking tomato,” Hyungwon jests as he turns in the passenger seat to look behind at Kihyun. “What did he say?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh come on. He must’ve said som—” Then Hyungwon gasps making Wonho turn his head momentarily to him before focusing back on the road.

“You got some kind of revelation, baby?” Wonho teases his boyfriend at his dramatic antics.

“Did he confess to you?” Hyungwon asks with a bright smile.

Kihyun chokes on his spit, almost biting his tongue along with it from the sudden ridiculous accusation from his friend. “What?” Kihyun blurts.

“He did, didn’t he? Someone finally confessed to you. Oh, Kihyunnie!” Hyungwon cooes but he isn’t mocking Kihyun, if anything he is so beyond elated for Kihyun. Hyungwon is so elated that he had failed to notice that both Wonho and Kihyun had suddenly gone quiet and that their gazes are on each other through the rear-view mirror until it is Kihyun who breaks the staring, looking elsewhere than at Wonho’s eyes.

“Why would someone like _him_ confess to someone like me?” Kihyun says with a sigh.

Everyone in the car goes quiet for a moment.

“Kihyun-ah, don’t say that,” Hyungwon tells him sadly.

Kihyun can only sigh. He hasn’t exactly been the luckiest when it comes to relationships. He doesn’t know if it’s because he is just simply that bad to begin with or it’s that people can already see the mess Kihyun is and refuse to associate with him any further than a friendly _‘hi’_.

The first time Kihyun had ever liked anyone the person did not reciprocate the feeling, which was normal and he didn’t think much of it because the person he liked had no idea—or so he thought. Kihyun was so sure no one knew (not even the person himself) except for the few friends he told until the person himself confronted Kihyun. And Kihyun had never thought that he could feel so embarrassed in his life. Getting rejected silently was one thing, but getting rejected to his face was an embarrassment he never wanted to feel again.

Kihyun was sure he guarded his heart well after that but maybe it wasn’t well enough when he had (unfortunately) fallen for someone again and this time the person isn’t too far from him—but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“It’s the truth,” Kihyun mumbles, feeling the painful jab of his heart. God does he hate feeling this…. pathetic.

“It isn’t,” Wonho presses, finally speaking after a long while. “Don’t talk shit like that,” he warns, sounding cold and warning but Kihyun can only roll his eyes. The last person he needs to be hearing these things from is Wonho.

Hyungwon senses the tension between Wonho and Kihyun but he is oblivious to the reason. So, he tries his best to lighten the mood a little.

“Okay fine, he didn’t ask you out, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he were to someday,” Hyungwon says and Kihyun hates the tone of confidence in his voice.

Kihyun scoffs, not believing his words for a second. He isn’t looking for some kind of meaningful relationship with Shownu. He wouldn’t go as far as to even wish that Shownu would ever have an inkling of any sort of feelings towards him because really he is only setting himself up for disappointment in the end.

“He seems a little older than us,” Wonho says now, sounding tight.

“He’s twenty-seven,” Kihyun tells them. “He’s currently doing his Masters.”

“Wow, Kihyun! How did you manage to befriend a Masters student?” Hyungwon question, feeling really excited about this new piece of information.

Kihyun stays silent for the moment. He didn’t exactly know how to bring the topic up altogether at how he and Shownu first met. Even if Wonho and Hyungwon knew about Kihyun’s problems, Kihyun has never gone to the extent where he had peeled back every single layer of himself to them. They knew things (and problems) of KIhyun’s on a surface level—which means that they don’t know his habit of going up to the rooftop and standing by the edge of the railing wanting to **breathe**.

“I just met him through the _Peer Tutoring Programme_ ,” Kihyun lies, eyes not daring to meet either of theirs. They didn’t need to know that Shownu is taking is Masters in Business Psychology. They didn’t need to know that Shownu only approaches him because he might be worried about Kihyun’s worrying habit.

“You two seem awfully _close_ from just meeting at the _Peer Tutoring Programme_ ,” Wonho says with a quirked eyebrow up in suspicion.

“He’s just _really_ friendly. He talks to anyone he knows,” Kihyun snaps, getting a little too defensive. He didn’t want anyone assuming anything because it’ll only out ideas not only into their heads but also into Kihyun’s head and that’s the last thing he wants.

No one said anything regarding Shownu after that, thankfully for Kihyun.

It doesn’t take long for Hyungwon to strike up another random topic once they all get out of the car. They walk over to the bubble tea first to get a drink before walking around anywhere else. Both Wonho and Kihyun chose a seat after ordering their drinks while Hyungwon excuse himself to the restroom.

Kihyun wouldn’t exactly say that the silence between him and Wonho is awkward, but he can feel the mild tension in the air between them and it’s making him uncomfortable as it’s poking at his anxiety.

“Kihyun,” Wonho calls after a while and Kihyun knows that Wonho feels the tension too just from the mere tone of his voice, sounding equally frustrated and sad. And Wonho of course doesn’t miss the way Kihyun flinches at the sudden call of his name.

“ _Number 34!_ ” Kihyun head snaps so quickly to the counter that he stands seconds later.

“I’ll get that,” he tells Wonho and before the other even has a chance to say anything Kihyun takes the tag with the announced-number of it and walks over to the pick-up counter, leaving Wonho to elicit a heavy sigh.

Kihyun clasps his shaky hands together and he hisses softly from how cold the tips of his fingers have gotten just from a few moments of building anxiety. He takes their drinks and lets out a heavy breath, before walking back.

“Thank you,” Wonho says when Kihyun passes him his drink. Kihyun simply nods and takes his own drink. Kihyun’s eyes fleet to Hyungwon’s untouched drink then turns to the back where he assumes Hyungwon will come from.

“How long does he take in the restroom,” Kihyun grumbles, wanting to sound playful but Wonho knows he wants Hyungwon to come back to avoid any sort of uncomfortable conversation between them, but Wonho needs to say what he wants to as much as KIhyun tries to avoid the subject altogether.

“Kihyun,” Wonho calls again. Kihyun hums gaze completely focused on the bubble tea that he’s drinking.

“Kihyun, you know I fell for you not only for your looks,” Wonho starts. Kihyun wants to protest to say that he doesn’t have the looks, not even the slightest, but Wonho is quick. “You’re an amazing guy, Kihyun. There are so many things to like about you. That’s why I fell for you before.”

Kihyun is always uncomfortable about this topic altogether, sometimes it’s strong enough to trigger his anxiety and the last thing he wants his anxiety to take over more than it is doing now. His clench on the bubble tea cup gets a little tighter as he feels that shake coming back to his hand.

“Can we please not talk about this?” Kihyun asks in a hushed tone as he finally looks up to Wonho, being careful not to let these words slip into Hyungwon’s ears.

“Kihyun, you should know that you’re worth so much more than what you think. I’m trying to tell you that you can be loved.”

_Then why wasn’t he loved by Wonho when he wanted it the most back then?_

“I don’t exactly care about being loved by someone anymore,” Kihyun tells him honestly.

“Kihyun…” Wonho says so sadly as his heart breaks for his friend in front of him.

Kihyun was sure he had guarded his heart well enough after the first embarrassment he got from liking someone—not to the point of shutting his heart out completely but to be _extremely_ careful next time. But maybe he gave an exception when he liked Wonho, maybe he became a little too careless because he thought he knew Wonho well enough only for them to hurt each other in the end.

“Just drop it, Wonho,” Kihyun snaps, putting his drink on the table in front of him. 

“I get you’re worried and I’m grateful for that. But I’m a mess and I don’t know if you notice but I’m not getting any better. I know it’s stupid of me to say that I don’t care about being loved by someone and it may seem childish that I feel this way after—after what happened to _us,_ but childish or not I was at one of my lowest points that moment and that—that traumatised me. Even if it barely meant anything because _we_ never happened—that still traumatized me enough to ever think about liking someone again.”

“It’s not only your fault,” Wonho tries to tell him. Kihyun feels the familiar jab in his heart, only this time he might’ve heard it crack a little too.

“I know that fucking well and yet that’s not easy to convince myself. You know how I am, Wonho. So when I say to not talk about it, the least you can do is respect that.”

“Kihyun—”

The aforementioned male stands from his seat almost abruptly. Kihyun can’t stay here, at least not for a while. He can feel his entire body beginning to shake and the physical pain in his heart hurts a little too much for him to hide. He can feel his breathing slowly becoming laboured and he hates himself for becoming like this at a moment like now.

“Hey, we’re leaving already?” Hyungwon asks as he approaches both of them. And suddenly Kihyun feels like the wind is knocked out of him, feeling completely vulnerable that at any moment Hyungwon could know about something both Wonho and Kihyun agreed never telling Hyungwon about. 

“I need to use the restroom,” Kihyun says and runs out of the bubble tea shop without waiting to hear what his friends have to say. He quickly makes his way to the nearest restroom and goes into the last stall, slamming the door shut and locking it,

Kihyun closes his eyes and tries to catch his breath both from the running and from the small anxiety attack he is about to get. He can’t let himself slip into an anxiety attack especially not now, in public where his friends are waiting for him. KIhyun grasps his other hand and squeezes it so hard as he tries to endure the painful jabs to his heart. He just lets his tears fall silently because that is the only release he is giving himself, he can’t afford anything else now.

Pathetic—Kihyun feels so fucking pathetic and that’s all he has ever been feeling the moment he found out that Wonho _liked_ him back _too_. But what was the point when the damage was done and it was too late?


	14. 𝓓𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓶𝓾𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮

╒══════════════════╕

19 March

_10.01 pm_

**_I̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶_ **

**_̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶_ **

**_I don’t exactly know what to do other than to write here and blast the music loud enough to drown out the shouting from downstairs._ **

**_My mom came back from my grandmother and uncle’s place and both me and my brother knew she was simply in a horrible mood. She wouldn’t talk to anyone and even if both my brother and I asked her anything she would give terse answers which is a bigger confirmation that she wasn’t in the mood—which isn’t the slightest bit good because it only meant that it’ll take one small trigger to blow up at someone and by then my anxiety had already been spiked knowing that my mom was a ticking time bomb._ **

**_It didn’t take long for the shouting to start._ **

**_I don’t know what to feel… Angry? Sad? Frustrated?_ **

**_It doesn’t help when my anxiety wants to act up. I’m anxious. I’m so fucking anxious and the way my heart is beating so hard hurts._ **

**_I’m angry because the house was so peaceful for the short moment and it didn’t feel as suffocated as it usually does—up until my mother came back._ **

**_I’m sad because it just seems like their fighting has been becoming progressively frequent and much more explosive._ **

**_I’m frustrated because of the fucking shouting. If their weeks are only ever going to consist of mostly fighting, they might as well live separate from each other. At this point, it just seems like they are trying to pick fault on each other and it’s like nothing one does ever satisfies the other._ **

**_Why do my brother and I have to face the consequences of their unhappiness? Why must I take up the responsibility to become emotionally strong for both of us when I can barely pull it together by myself?_ **

**_If they can’t compromise or talk whatever shit they need to calmy, please stop living together. Please stop. I’ve come to the point where I don’t care if they get a divorce. I just want the shouting to stop._ **

**_I don’t want to live in a house like this. I don’t want to live like this. I never asked for this._ **

**_Please stop._ ** **_p̶l̶e̶_ **

╘══════════════════╛

KIhyun drops his pen when he hears a loud crash coming from downstairs. And then he hears his mother shouting once again with his father following along not too long after. 

He can’t write anymore, not when his hand are shaking so badly. 

He just shoves his journal and pen to the side of his bed before crawling to the other end by the wall and presses his back firmly against the cool cement. Kihyun jumps when he hears another crash downstairs and that’s when a silent tear falls from his eyes. He hadn’t even notice that he had started crying when his full focus is trained at his door, praying fervently that neither one of his parents would come knocking on it. 

Increasing the volume of the song he is listening to is useless when his parents’ shouting overshadows the loud bass booming in his ears. 

He can’t even bring himself to breathe properly, being too paranoid. He feels like if he were to try and catch his breath then his parents would hear and that’s the last thing he wants. He breathes raggedly through his nose, hot tears streaming endlessly down his cheeks and trembling hands clenching onto his comforter as tight as he possibly can. 

Kihyun’s breath then gets caught in his throat when he hears a pair of heavy footsteps making their way up the stairs. Kihyun lets out an involuntary whimper from the immense fear before he clamps both his hands against his mouth, suppressing the oncoming sobs. 

When he hears the door slam across from his room and the whole house going silent for a good five minutes, that’s when the knows that it had finally stopped—for today, that’s when his rigid body starts shaking and that’s when he takes his pillow and lets the sob, he has been holding back, out. 

Along with his heart that is beating painfully against his chest trying to appease itself, KIhyun screams and screams into the pillow knowing very well that nobody will hear him. Kihyun cries so hard that he can feel the burn in both his eyes and he even starts getting slightly dizzy, but he doesn’t stop.

Kihyun doesn’t remember when he had stopped or when he had fallen asleep, but he wakes up to red, puffy eyes and a mild headache, his journal and pen at a corner on the floor and his comforter tangled all around himself.

Still, he got up, got ready, let his father drive him to university and he went about his day pretending like whatever he wrote in his journal the night before was nothing more than a mere  _ story _ . 


	15. 𝓓𝓲𝓼𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓪𝓻

Kihyun isn’t at all surprised by now when he hears a pair of footsteps coming his way. He doesn’t react like how he used to, giving a glare or a snary remark to make the other go. Kihyun isn’t sure if he simply is used to the older coming to him most of the times when he is uo here or specifically today he simply had no energy whatsoever to bicker with the older. Kihyun likes to think it’s the last option.

Shownu hasn’t said a word since he got here. Instead, he just stands beside Kihyun (a good distance between them of course) and he looks out the vast expanse just as Kihyun is only his mind isn’t buzzing like the youngers.

“Do you need to **breathe** too?” Kihyun asks, sounding so monotone, unlike his usual self. “Is that why you always come up here too?”

And perhaps it is how Kihyun sounded which made Shownu look at the younger a little longer than he usually would. He observes the younger and he sees that his expression is blank. It isn’t sad like usual or irritated like when he came to accompany him, it doesn’t even look the least bit relieved like how KIhyun would usual seem after a good moment up here.l Perhaps it’s is _blank_ expression that scares Shownu a little, wondering what’s jogging up the younger’s mind.

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says instead of answering KIhyun, voice like always, so tender and soft.

Kihyun shivers lightly from the mild tingle he felt. Kihyun doesn’t turn to look at the older. He doesn’t even sigh like he usually would. He just continues staring out, seeming almost lost in his own sea of thoughts that are slowly drowning him.

“Kihyun-ah—”

“Sh—Shownu-ssi,” Kihyun cuts him off, and for the first time, there is some sort of emotion when he said the older’s name yet Shownu couldn’t pinpoint exactly which was it, desperation or sorrow. Kihyun saying his name however prompts Shownu to move a little closer to Kihyun, taking this as a positive sign considering the younger’s voice didn’t give off any hint of irritation or anger.

“I’m right here,” Shownu tells him, letting the younger know that he is all ears whatever it is he has to say, even if it is to tell him to get lost.

But the older didn’t know that that one simple sentence of reassurance pinched Kihyun’s heart and he visible winches.

“Did something happen?” Shownu asks instead of _‘are you okay’_ because clearly Kihyun is anything but okay, this whole situation only confirms it further.

Kihyun sighs.

He tries to move away from the railing a little but stumbles instead, knees have gone completely weak and fortunately, Shownu is quick enough to move in front of Kihyun firmly grasp onto both his arms, keeping him standing.

“Are you okay?” Kihyun only stares up at the older, eyes wide and Shownu can see the clear plead in his eyes which inevitably broke his heart. He barely knew Kihyun and yet his heart has never gone out to a stranger as much as it did for KIhyun because his eyes just looked so utterly and completely _sad_. Shownu knows he has never seen eyes these sad before and it breaks his heart even more for this familiar stranger.

“Let—Let’s sit down, okay?” the older tells him softly.

Kihyun didn’t exactly agree to that but he didn’t give any indications of disagreement either. He slowly turns them both around and he helps Kihyun sit down along with him, their backs leaning against the railing.

“Hey, Kihyun-ah,” Shownu tries calling again as he gently caresses the pad of his thumb over Kihyun, hoping it will give him some sort of comfort. Kihyun does turn to look at Shownu but his expression is blank once more. “Kihyun-ah—”

"I want to disappear,” Kihyun says. And Shownu’s eyes are instantly blown wide in shock and a tint of fear.

"Wh—What?"

“I want to disappear,” Kihyun repeats rather nonchalantly.

“Kihyun-ah…” Kihyun looks away from the older and stares at particularly nothing. He retracts his hand from the older’s grasps and wraps them over his knees, bringing them close to his chest to make him small.

“Sometimes—Sometimes when everything gets too much, I—I want to just disappear…”

"You kept telling me you're not suicidal and yet you say all these things!" Shownu says, voice dripping heavily with concern.

"I don’t want to die,” Kihyun tells him. “I don’t ever think of dying, but… there are times where I wish I just don’t exist,” Kihyun explains. “It’s different; wanting to die and wanting to disappear. I don’t know how to make you understand better than those two are different. I’m sorry.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize. I just—I’m really worried about you.”

Kihyun gives a terse glance at the older when he said he is worried about him. But then he disregards it, for now, and turns his head back to the front, resting his chin on his lap.

“Did something happen?” Shownu asks once again _carefully_.

“Something always happens,” Kihyun says softly. “Do you ever feel like disappearing, Shownu-ssi?” Kihyun asks now facing the older once again and taking the older by surprise once more.

“N—No,” Shownu answers and Kihyun smiles, a small, barely visible smile on his lips hearing this answer.

“That’s good,” the younger says. “I’m glad you don’t feel that way. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like they want to disappear too.”

Shownu wants to ask so many things, his mind is bombarded with questions upon questions, but above all, he just wants to comfort the younger, whether it’d be through words, or a hug perhaps, even giving his silent company is enough (although Shownu wishes to do more to comfort).

“I—I need to g—get to lecture. Bye Shownu-ssi,” Kihyun says hastily. Before Shownu even has time to properly say goodbye, Kihyun is already slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking away, never saying anything more and never waiting for the older’s reply.

All Shownu can do is watch Kihyun’s heavy footsteps make their way out the rooftop door and disappear behind it.

He knows he has no right to run after the younger and demand answers. He also knows that he needs to stay within his boundaries when wanting to comfort Kihyun or even ask him any questions. All he has are Kihyun’s words, and that is all he holds onto, hoping the younger isn’t lying to him over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How’s this story going so far? I hope I’m not boring you >_< Anyways, thank you for reading❤


	16. 𝓐𝓬𝓺𝓾𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓼

Kihyun lets out a soft chuckle hearing his university friend whine on and on about how much their campus isn’t as great as the other one not too far from theirs.

“Like seriously, even I heard the food’s better there than it is here.”

“You’ve been to the other campus before?” Kihyun asks softly. His friend opens the lecture door for Kihyun and Kihyun slightly nods his head in appreciation before his friend closes it behind him and continues his rambling.

“A couple of times, only because my friend’s campus is right there. He’s taking Economics.” Kihyun nods. "My friend is so lucky and that fucker doesn’t even know it. He even told me that that campus gets all the good looking lecturers. And do you see who we’re stuck with? Oldies! We’re stuck with oldies!,” his friends exasperates dramatically and Kihyun can’t help but chuckles another time, this time slightly louder.

“All our lecturers aren’t _that_ old, Jooheon,” Kihyun tells him trying to repress his chuckle.

“Let my dramatic ass live a little. It’s been crying since I found out there are three bubble tea stores right outside their campus. Three Kihyun! Why do they get three bubble tea stores when we can barely get one?”

“Aren’t they opening one just near our campus soon?” Kihyun question.

“Still~ You get my dilemma, right? It’s not fair,” Jooheon huffs and Kihyun shakes his head, still a smile on his lips.

He and Jooheon had been getting more and more comfortable with each other and Kihyun liked that. It made him feel less lonely during most lectures and sometimes while walking around the campus.

“Fuck, I have tutorials soon,” Jooheon grumbles now as he checks the time on his watch.

“Kihyun-ah!” Kihyun stills for a moment, stopping completely in his track before he turns around to see Shownu approaching him.

“Looks like your friend is here,” Jooheon says as he turns to look at the older male getting closer to them. Kihyun wants to interject and correct him saying that Shownu isn’t his friend, they are just mere acquaintances, he thinks.

“Anyways, Kihyun, I have to get to tutorials now. See you!” Jooheon bids, waving to the shorter before jogging off towards the elevator.

Kihyun watches Jooheon disappear and by the time he turns back around Shownu had already reached him, as usual, a smile already on his lips.

“Hey,” Shownu says.

“Hi,” Kihyun greets back, bow his head slightly to be polite. “Just finished class?” Kihyun asks as a form of courtesy to not leave them in mere awkward silence. Shownu hums.

“Are you done for the day?” Shownu asks Kihyun now.

“I have a tutorial in two hours then yea—I am done for the day,” Kihyun tells him. He fiddles with the strap of his backpack.

“Do you—Do you wanna grab something to eat together?” Kihyun’s eyes widen slightly, completely having not expected that. Kihyun unintentionally tightens his grip on the strap as he swallows his dry throat.

Unexpected situations—he hates them, and somehow it always comes in the form of a person names Shownu.

Kihyun likes to plan things ahead, not that it helps significantly throughout his day or that he is an _organized_ person, but it is for his anxiety. By planning his day, it is enough to ease his anxiety to know all the things that are going to happen in which hour so that he can mentally and emotionally prepare for them. Unexpected moments, such as this, only induces the tamed anxiety within Kihyun.

“I’m not—hungry actually…” Kihyun says, voice getting significantly softer. And Kihyun isn’t lying. It’s the same as the other day, it’s the same as always; anxiety completely diminishes his hungry. He knows himself too well that he had actually planned to (probably) stay at the Student Lounge until his tutorial starts.

“Have you eaten breakfast?”

Kihyun hesitates, and for some reason, he doesn’t lie, he shakes his head indicating _‘no’_. Shownu visibly frowns.

“Kihyun-ah, you need to take care of yourself,” Shownu tells him gently and Kihyun catches the concern dripping from his voice.

“So you only ask for my company because you want to make sure I eat?” Kihyun questions, sounding a little harsher than intended.

“That could be the other reason,” Shownu says calmly.

“The other—huh?”

“Have you ever thought maybe I _just_ want to grab lunch with you? You know, like two normal civilians?”

“Two _normal_ civilians wouldn’t give a fuck if they are both strangers.”

“You do say ‘fuck’ a lot,” Shownu points out.

“That’s my speciality.”

“Besides, singing, I see,” Shownu says nonchalantly and Kihyun gapes at the older at how easily he mentioned Kihyun’s singing. He had thought maybe the older would forget about that but apparently, he didn’t and Kihyun can feel the heat warming up his cheeks and he wishes it’s the good kind. He is beyond embarrassed at himself.

“Singing isn’t my speciality,” Kihyun retorts, seeming almost defensive at that statement as his gaze wanders elsewhere than at Shownu himself.

“It should be considering you have such a beautiful voice.”

And Kihyun chokes on his spit, gaze right back on the older and eyes widen much more than it was before.

“Y—You can’t say shit like—like that so easily,” Kihyun whines and Shownu chortles at the younger’s whine finding it rather… _cute_. But Kihyun didn’t need to know that, Shownu thinks.

“I can if I’m telling the truth. Now, how about lunch?”

“I told you—”

“It’s not good to keep your stomach empty for so long, Kihyun-ah.”

“I know. I’m not a fucking kid you know.”

“I’m well aware of that. Then you should know that not eating regularly could cause not only short-term effects but also long-term effects later on.”

“Its—It’s personal, okay?” Kihyun says. Shownu’s expression softens hearing this. “I—I know the effects but I’m not purposely doing this…” Kihyun trails off shamefully.

He could straight out admit that he loses his appetite whenever his anxiety is high or when he is in a place he isn’t familiar or comfortable with. He can also tell the older that even if he forces himself to eat then he would most definitely vomit out whatever he ate (Kihyun had experienced that a few times). But Kihyun knows that saying these exact words out loud will only make him sound like an idiot. So he doesn’t mention a thing, keeping his answer as vague as he can.

“How about a drink?” the older proposes softly. Kihyun looks up to the older’s eyes and truly he is surprised that he doesn’t look anything close to annoyed or even judgemental. He just seems understanding overall. “Drinking something isn’t as bad as eating, right?”

Kihyun takes a while, but he does nod eventually and Shownu’s smile widens a little more.

“Drink something at least,” Shownu coaxes gently. “But if you still don’t want to—”

“O—Okay.”

Kihyun isn’t exactly sure why he agreed, but he didn’t want to dwell on it for long because it’ll only give him a headache and an unnecessary spike to his calming anxiety.

Shownu is glad that Kihyun had agreed to have lunch with him although it is still a mystery to KIhyun as to why Shownu would still want to hang around Kihyun.

They aren’t friends—Kihyun knows that much. They can’t be mutuals. So he can only label them as acquaintances, yet he felt like they are much more than _just_ acquaintances. Labelling them as friends would be taking it too far and saying that they’re acquaintances seems wrong especially after all the moments they’ve spent together, most being Kihyun’s vulnerable moments.

One thing Kihyun likes about spending time with Shownu is that the older never brings up topics about KIhyun’s episodes on the rooftop. As concerning as he knows that matter is, Kihyun can see that Shownu respects him enough to not interrogate him about the problems going on in his life. Kihyun is grateful for that.

As they sat together now at a table, Shownu eating his bought meal and Kihyun drinking his strawberry milk drink this time, they are (surprisingly) having an easy flowing conversation, nothing too heavy or awkward even. Kihyun, after a good moment, found himself getting much more comfortable than he initially was with the older—comfortable enough to slip in a mild joke here and there and a few sarcastic comments, letting Shownu see another side of the younger (the side he saw momentarily the other day while Kihyun was waiting for his friends).

It’s a side Shownu admits that he very much likes, seeing the younger care-free like this warms his heart.

“I heard the other campus is much better than this,” Kihyun mindlessly says.

“Hmm~ That depends I suppose. This campus is much more spacious compared to the other.”

“You’ve been to the other campus before?” Kihyun asks in shock. “Isn’t the other campus only for Economics, Law and students taking Foundation programmes?”

Shownu feels like he’s been put in the spot, because yes, the other campus is only for Economics, Law and students taking Foundation programmes and only those students, along with respective lecturers, have access to enter that campus.

“I—Well, I sometimes have—lectures there…” Shownu says vaguely, carefully watching Kihyun’s expression.

Kihyun frowns.

As far as Kihyun knows all Masters programme, as well as Psychology and Business programmes, are on the campus he is on now and being the main campus, their security access isn’t as tight as the other campus.

“I didn’t know they have Masters’ programmes there as well…”

Shownu only shrugs, fearing that if he says more than he’ll accidentally spill something he never intended to, scaring Kihyun off along with it.

“Wow,” is what Kihyun says next. “They make you go to two campuses for your Masters’ lectures? That’s fucking crazy,” Kihyun says shaking his head as he leans in to take another sip of his strawberry milk.

Shownu doesn’t say anything to that. He didn’t lie, _technically_ , but he didn’t want to correct the younger or clarify anything further, at least not for now, not when Kihyun is slowly warming up to him.

So Shownu just left it at that. 


End file.
